


Mister Seahorse

by chocolatemoosey



Series: Space Shenanigans and Other Misunderstandings [2]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: 15-year-old-pidge, 18-year-old hunk, 18-year-old lance, 19-year-old Keith, 21-year-old Shiro, Bad Pick-Up Lines, Humor, Lance being Lance, M/M, Misunderstandings, Shenangians, Space Battle, established sheith, female identifying genderfluid pidge, implied sexytimes, implied xeno!Keith, keith is galra but doesn't know it yet, schrodinger's mpreg, you don't need to read fixer upper to enjoy this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-17
Updated: 2016-10-17
Packaged: 2018-08-22 21:17:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8301413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chocolatemoosey/pseuds/chocolatemoosey
Summary: Without warning, the doors to the dining room burst open and Lance marched in, his face scrunched in equal amounts of confusion and frustration. 
 “I need to ask you both an important question,” said Lance, making a little box with his hands on the top of the table. “Can guys get pregnant?”Lance is convinced that Keith is pregnant. Somehow. Hilarity ensues.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Whoops I was supposed to post this in like August, lmao. I know I promised more to this series, but a lot of what I had planned from here on out got absorbed into the storyline of another Voltron-related project, which you will be seeing fairly soon if you subscribe to me ;D
> 
> This is actually a sequel to "Fixer Upper", but you don't really need to read it in order to understand what's going on. The only info you need is that Keith and Shiro got fake married by bees. 
> 
> Anywho, this thing was a hoot to write and I hope you get as many laughs reading this as I did writing it.

                It was a slow morning.

                For once, Allura had showed mercy on the paladins of Voltron, and the five had been given the morning to be left to their own devices.

                Pidge and Hunk were sitting at the dining room table in peaceful silence; the former was tinkering with the scavenged remains of Rover, which had recently been retrieved from the depth of the Ship. Hunk was pouring over a tablet that Allura had set up with an English-to-Altean alphabet learning program that she and Pidge had been working together to produce. Keith and Shiro were presumably finishing up their morning workout and Lance was most likely off somewhere screwing around.

                “What’s a nine-letter word for…” Hunk trailed off, frowning as he attempted the translation, “‘A sentient species of bioluminescent mushroom’? I think this is broken.”

                “Its not, and the word is ‘tirmanian’,” Pidge said, never raising her eyes from the tiny magnetic propulsion chamber that had kept Rover aloft. “It’s a race of sentient—.”

                “Sentient bioluminescent mushroom,” she and Hunk finished in tandem.

                “Right,” he said, looking back down at the thin sheet of glass. “That makes sense.”

                “Mmm hmm.”

                “Is that ‘tirmanian’ with an ‘I’ or an ‘E’?”

                “T-i-r-m-a—.”

                Without warning, the doors to the dining room burst open and Lance marched in, his face scrunched in equal amounts of confusion and frustration. Pidge and Hunk turned to regard him from a moment before immediately returning to their projects.

                “…n-i-a-n.” Pidge concluded.

                “I need to ask you both an important question,” said Lance, making a little box with his hands on the top of the table. “Can guys get pregnant?”

                The two looked back at Lance, Hunk completely bewildered and Pidge thoughtful.

                “Well,” said Pidge after taking a brief pause to consider his question. “The answer is ‘yes’ if the individual in question was designated female at birth and retained use of their reproductive organs.”

                “Okay, but like,” Lance frowned, frustration growing. “A _guy_ -guy.”

                Pidge stared at him, completely unimpressed and a little miffed. “Are you saying that a trans man isn’t a ‘guy-guy’ as you put it?”

                “No no no, that came out wrong!” Lance waved his hands in front of his face, attempting to dispel his earlier statement. “I meant like a guy that was born a guy. Is that possible?”

                Hunk blinked, “Lance, are you okay buddy? Did you hit your head when you rolled out of bed this morning?”

                “ _No_ ,” Lance scowled at him, offended. “Because lately I’ve… noticed something weird,” his face darkened. “About _Keith_.”

                Pidge and Hunk stared.

                “Uh… huh…” said Pidge, very slowly. “Okay? And what does your earlier question have to do with Keith?”

                “No! It’s _what_ I noticed about Keith,” Lance qualified. “We share a bathroom, and for the past, like, _five days_ he’s been in there puking his guts out every morning.”

                Hunk’s face scrunched in disgust, “Ew…”

                “You think Keith is pregnant,” Pidge held her hands pressed together to her mouth before directing the tip of her pointed fingers at Lance. “Because he threw up?”

                “Did you even _hear_ what I was saying?” Lance retorted. “I said he’s been throwing up a _lot_. In the _morning_.” He turned his attention to Hunk. “And what’s gross about that to you, Mister ‘Cyclical Vomiting Syndrome’? I’ll let you know I had to deal with your puke on a daily basis for _months_.”

                “I have motion sickness!” Hunk defended himself, frowning.

                “You puked in my _lion_!”

                “ _It was an accident!_ ”

                “You know,” Pidge cut in. “‘Morning sickness’ is a misnomer. That girl in class 3-A that got pregnant last fall was sick _all_ the time.”

                “Aw, Veronica?” Hunk’s distress suddenly dissipated. “She posted pictures of her kid online right before we left, he was really cute!”

                “Don’t change the subject!” Lance snapped, turning to Pidge. “Well, whatever. I don’t know if he’s kept getting sick during the day, but he’s _always_ holding his stomach, especially when he doesn’t think people are watching.”

                “Probably because it hurts? Because he probably has a stomach bug? _And_ he has a track record of pushing himself too far?” Pidge quirked an eyebrow, returning her attention to the remains of Rover.

                “Yeah, and if he really was having a baby, wouldn’t you think Shiro would be freaking out?” Hunk asked, picking up his tablet and resuming the crossword puzzle he was working on. “He’s _really_ protective over Keith.”

                “ _What if Shiro didn’t know_?” Lance hissed, as if the Black Paladin could have been listening at an air vent that very moment.

                “Doubtful, they share everything,” Pidge shrugged. “Besides, they are _married,_ after all.”

                “Yeah, don’t remind me,” Lance sighed, remembering the shindig that had taken place a scant eight weeks earlier. “But… I don’t know. Remember when that bee queen was talking about ‘grubs’? I mean, I asked one of the bee girls and she said that grubs were baby bees and—.”

                “Go get some breakfast, Lance,” Pidge pointed towards the door, still not looking up from her project. “You’re tired and you’re not thinking straight.”

                Lance stood up, hanging his head in irritation, “…you guys aren’t going to listen to me, are you?”

                “Nope,” said Pidge.

                “I mean it’s a cool theory?” Hunk shrugged. “Cool – but _really weird,_ Lance. Don’t let Keith hear you say that, he’ll kick your butt.”

                Lance let his upper torso go completely limp, blowing a huff out air out from between his pursed lips. He turned on his heel, left the dining room, and popped his head back out the gap between the doors a scant three seconds later.

                “Okay,” said Lance. “But _aliens_.”

                “Lance. Breakfast. Now.” Pidge jabbed her finger in the direction of the nearby kitchen. The Blue Paladin glared, slowly withdrawing his face from between the doors.

                “You don’t believe me now,” he said forebodingly. “But when there’s babies—.”

                Pidge picked up a fork and proceeded to chuck it at the door. Shrieking in a pitch higher than he’d admit to being able to reach, Lance withdrew his head, slamming the door behind him.

                “‘I’m Pidge and I’m a child genius. I know everything about everything bluh bluh bluh’,” Lance mumbled in a mocking tone, waving his hands a little next to his head. He straightened, quickly shoving his hands into his pockets and standing up straight. Narrowing his eyes and pursing his lips, Lance glanced surreptitiously to his left and then to his right.

                “It’s time someone got to the bottom of this…” Lance muttered to himself, creeping off towards Keith’s bedroom.

                Within three minutes, Lance found himself skulking down the hallway where the paladins’ quarters were located. Pressing himself against a wall, he craned his head around the corner and surveyed his surroundings. The shower was hissing loudly in the locker room, muffled voices barely audible under the rush of water. Slinking across the hall in an army crawl, Lance approached the bathroom and closed his eyes, attempting to discern the conversation within.

                ‘ _If Shiro knows, then they’ll_ definitely _be talking about it for sure,’_ Lance thought to himself. ‘ _I know this is one-hundred percent fact because of reasons_.’

                “—katas?” Yeah that was definitely Shiro.

                “No, I can’t say I’ve tried,” came Keith’s muffled reply.

                “I’m just curious how you’d be able to handle a katana.”

                “…are you saying I don’t know how to handle a sword?”

                A pause, and then a loud, pronounced cough from Shiro.

                “Because if you want me to prove a point,” Keith purred. “I’d be _more_ than happy to.”

                ‘ _O-_ KAY. _THAT IS WAAAAAAY MORE THAN I NEEDED TO HEAR. EVER.’_ Lance pulled away from the bathroom door, bright-faced. It was bad enough that Shiro and Keith were _constantly_ eye-fucking and had absolutely no qualms holding hands in public (the _fiends)_ , but having to accidently overhear them frequently going at it like horny bonobos was another issue altogether. At the very least, it gave him some extra time to snoop.

                ‘ _But who knew Keith was so bad at pickup lines_?’ Lance smirked to himself as he dragged his body down the hall towards Keith’s room. ‘ _That sounds like something_ I’d _come up with_.”

                Reaching up to palm the ‘open’ button on Keith’s door, Lance froze and scowled at his own self-depreciative thoughts. Growling, he smacked the button and the door slid open with a soft mechanical hiss. Thankfully, it appeared that Keith had forgotten to lock up after leaving for his workout. Lance immediately launched himself into the room, slamming the ‘close’ button as quickly as he could.

                Taking a deep breath, the Blue Paladin glanced around the sparse bed space, mind reeling in confusion as he spotted the empty area set into the wall where Keith’s bed should have been.

 _‘                …you’ve gotta be kidding me_ ,’ Lance turned on his heel and all but leapt out of the room, quickly shutting the door behind him and marching up to Shiro’s door. ‘ _For us much as they’d like to insist it was a sham wedding, they are_ SO _married._ ’

                Thankfully, Shiro seemed to have left his door unlocked as well. Lance couldn’t tell if this was exactly out of character or not: on one hand, Shiro was the most thoughtful and responsible of the lot and the least likely to forget to do something as easy as lock a door behind him. But on the other hand, he was also their leader, and it would seem likely that he’d have an ‘open door policy’.

                ‘ _I knew it,_ ’ Lance thought, spying the two mattresses pressed up next to one another on the floor. The sheets were thrown to the side of the bed in a weird tangle, and one of the pillows seemed to be half-laying on the other. Lance could easily imagine Keith spread out over the majority of the bed like a greedy cat.

                Their things were set neatly on top of the declivity where Shiro’s mattress used to be, which had been covered up and transformed to a small table of some sort. For people who slept like barbarians, they were awfully organized: there was nothing but a pot of lip balm, a small emergency flashlight, a glass tablet, and a picture from their fake wedding.

                “D’aww,” Lance said softly to himself, picking up the little LED screen. It was a snapshot from the ceremony, and it looked like it had been taken moments from when Keith had climbed up onto the altar. The pair looked happier than he’d ever seen them, smiling at one another with both hands joined.

                “You guys look so happy,” Lance grinned, setting the picture aside.

                He had to admit that he’d been a little taken aback when he’d first realized that the pair was dating, and then a little angry. It didn’t seem fair that Shiro had someone on the team that he could potentially play favorites with. In addition to that, fraternization seemed to be a bit of a huge no-no in situations as life-threatening as theirs.

                Lance knew he didn’t have room to talk. He could be a goober and didn’t take things as seriously as he should. And in addition to that, he’d made several unsavory decisions of his own in the pursuit of romance – namely Nyma. But he had been fairly certain that Keith and Shiro dating would be a Bad Idea ™ for a multitude of reasons.

                But seeing them at their wedding had completely changed how Lance thought about it. He knew Shiro had a lot of problems from his time in captivity and often faked happy, and that Keith – although he was Lance’s rival and could be kind of a douche canoe – had a litany of problems of his own. But when they’d been standing there, smiling at each other with more sincere joy than Lance had ever remembered either of them expressing—

                Well, there was a reason he’d started bawling.

                If anyone deserved to be happy, it was them.

                He propped himself up against the table, glancing around at the room. They didn’t seem to have a lot lying around, and the wastebaskets were empty of any glaring obvious pregnancy tests from space. Inside their closet were several changes of clothes and a few pairs of the bodysuits that they wore under their armor, but other than the fancy Japanese robe Keith had worn to the wedding, there was nothing particularly interesting to see.

                Lance leapt as the door clicked, a buzzing noise signaling that the door was locked.

                “—funny, I thought I left this unlocked,” came Shiro’s muffled voice through the door. Lance made an almost-silent high pitched noise and – in a moment of panic – stepped backwards into the closet.

                There was a soft chime signaling that the lock had been disengaged, and the sound of Keith and Shiro stepping into the room. Through the thin crack between the closet doors, Lance was relieved to find that they were already dressed – which was a good thing for multiple reasons, namely that he had less of a chance at blowing his cover, and also he was less likely to have a front row seat to a live sex show.

                Lance watched as Keith approached the bedside table while Shiro attempted to make the bed (“attempted” being the operative word in the sentence). The Red Paladin frowned, touching the side of the LED screen and then looking up at the closet with his eyes narrowed. Lance immediately clamped a hand over his mouth, trying to keep his breathing as slow as possible, but it was too late. Keith swung open the door and glared at him, Shiro casually glancing over his shoulder and starting as soon as he saw their teammate.

                “Lance?” Shiro frowned.

                “What the fuck are you doing?” Keith glowered, crossing his arms over his chest. Lance choked and struggled for a response before jumping out of the closet and yelling:

                “BOO! Ha ha, I sure got you guys! Wow, you should have seen the looks on your faces, priceless!” Lance pretended to wipe a tear of laughter from the corner of his eye, backing up towards the door. Shiro was staring at him, looking beyond-confused and completely lost for words, while Keith seemed to be glaring at him harder than ever before. Lance could almost feel the optic death ray penetrating his skin.

                “Well, now that I’ve scared you two I can go to try spook Allura! Man, you think it’d work if I did in the air ducts and made ghost noises? Wooooo, wooooo!” Lance waved his fingers around as if he were attempting to imitate a ghost, but probably just looked like an idiot.

                “You look like an idiot,” Keith confirmed sourly. “Don’t come in our room without our permission again, okay?”

                “You’re welcome to knock if you ever need anything,” Shiro spoke up. He still seemed a little spooked, and Lance felt like a complete asshole for potentially exacerbating his PTSD.

                “No prob, I’ll just let you guys…” Lance opened the door and slipped halfway out, waving his hand in an awkward farewell. “Do… whatever it is you married people do? Like… taxes… and refinancing your home loan—.”

                “ _Leave,_ Lance,” Keith said firmly, stepping up to the door frame and pushing Lance out into the hallway completely. “And for the last time, we’re not really married!”

                Before Lance was able to come up with a zinger of a retort, Keith slammed the button and the door slid closed.

                ‘ _Damn_ ,’ thought the Blue Paladin, turning away from the closed door to pace down the hallway. ‘ _That was a bust._ ’

                Where else could Keith be hiding his secrets? Other than secretly throw up and secretly take secret pregnancy tests, what did secretly pregnant people do?

                ‘ _Secretly take vitamins?_ ’ Lance thought sarcastically, snorting out loud. Suddenly, he felt a proverbial lightbulb flicker to life over his head. ‘ _Wait just a diddlydarn minute._ ’

                Since their arrival, Allura had managed to synthesize all of their required medications using a mix of science and mystical space magic. Maybe Keith was taking something special for pregnant people (whatever that was)? If Lance could sneak into the infirmary and go through Keith’s medications, then he’d definitely have solid proof.

                “Space baby, mission go,” Lance said to himself, ducking into a crouch and dodge-rolling down the hallway.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

                The infirmary was located next to the cryo-pods used for the severely injured; it was a fairly small and sterile room with a handful of cupboards that contained medical supplies, and a large machine that looked like it was made of white plastic. Lance knew from experience that it contained little white drones that could perform full-body scans and the results popped up on the screen. It also seemed to be the source of all the pills that Allura produced.

                Lance sidled up to the machine and gingerly poked it, as if he were prepared for it to start screaming at him. Instead, the screen glowed to life and a small white sphere detached from the side of the machine, beeping in a friendly manner and beginning to glow a shade of light blue.

                “Uh, hi?” Lance said to the drone. It booped at him cheerfully in response. “Do you think you could show me where our meds are stored?”

                The machine hovered in the air for a moment, silent, before it proceeded to change colors to orange. Lance all but dove behind the gurney before be realized that it was simply processing his commands. The sphere flew over to one of the cabinets and bumped into it purposefully. Lance followed and opened the cabinet, spotting several little shelves. His triumphant grin faded when he glanced down at the contents of the shelves and realized that the neat labels on all the bottles were written in Altean. Furthermore, the only shelves he could easily identify were his – due to his rescue inhaler – and Pidge’s – due to the chalky pink bottle of cream she used for the eczema on her hands.

                “Nooooo,” Lance moaned, sinking to his knees as his plan was effective foiled. He should have known from the start it was a bad idea; even if he _could_ read the labels, how could he have known what the medicine was for? He could’ve asked Pidge, who was easily the smartest, but he felt like her intelligence stretched more to computers and mechanics than to a complete lexicon of pharmaceutical knowledge.

                ‘ _Without proof, everyone’s going to think I’m a total dumbass_ ,’ Lance thought miserably. He could already hear the endless jokes from Pidge about storks, cabbages, birds, and bees. It would pretty much be the most awful thing to happen to him that week.

                Then, there was a noise from outside the infirmary. Acting on impulse, Lance grabbed the health drone out of the air and reattached it to the machine. Hitting the light switch, he crouched down at the door and laid his head on the floor to peek out under the gap.

                Very clearly, he spotted the hem of Allura’s gown, the fabric drifting over the tile. Thankfully, it didn’t seem like she was heading into the infirmary, but seemed to be standing amongst the cryo-pods, as if she was waiting for something. Several minutes passed, and Lance nearly decided to give up and make good on his ‘scare Allura’ promise from earlier, but just as he was preparing his best ‘boo’, the door to the pod room hissed open again.

                “ _There_ you are!” Allura huffed in slight frustration, her skirts drifting towards the entrance. “You’re late!”

                “Sorry,” Keith replied, actually sounding sincere. “Pidge needed some help getting her tools down to the lab.”

                Allura sighed, and then continued in a softer tone: “How are you feeling today, Keith?”

                “No better or worse,” he responded. “I keep getting sick throughout the day.”

                “I’m sorry to hear that,” Allura replied. “But I think that I have something that can help you.”

                There was a soft shuffling noise, probably Allura reaching into her pocket.

                “What’re these?” Keith asked.

                “These bands go around your wrists,” the princess explained, “Three fingers’ width down from the crease of your wrist and between your tendons, there’s a pressure point that will relieve nausea when pressed. There’s a bead on the inside the band that presses up against the point. You should start to feel better shortly after putting them on.”

                “Thanks,” Keith responded. There was a short pause between them.

                “Keith,” said Allura, her voice softer than Lance had ever recalled hearing it. “Thank you so much for confiding in me—I know that it mustn’t have been easy for you.”

                ‘ _CONFIRMED!’_ Lance’s brain screamed.

                “I really admire how responsible you’re being,” Allura continued. “I’m very proud of you.”

                ‘ _AAAAAAAAH!’_

                “Have you let Shiro know yet?” Allura continued as she and Keith approached the door.

                “No, I haven’t,” Keith said as they left, and the door closed behind them.

                ‘ _OH SHIIIIIIIT!’_ Lance thought, falling backwards onto the floor of the infirmary. He stayed there for several minutes, just soaking the information in.

So that was it. Keith was pregnant. And worst of all: Shiro didn’t even know.

                Lance dragged his hands down his face. Would Allura be sending Keith home? How would Shiro react? How would everyone _else_ react? Why was Allura so _okay_ with this happening?! What kind of alien bullshit magic made Keith get pregnant? Would Keith and Shiro get _real_ married this time?

                Most importantly: HOW THE HELL WAS HE SUPPOSED TO KEEP IT SECRET FROM SHIRO?!

                Lance immediately took to his feet, flinging open the door and charging the entrance for the pod room. Thankfully, the lab wasn’t too far away – but that didn’t stop Lance from yelling the whole time.

                “AAAAAAAAAAH!” Lance screeched as he burst into the lab, hands raised over his head. “PIDGE!”

                Pidge stared up at him, clearly upset at being disrupted. She was sitting in front of her workbench, where the mice were currently handing her a screw driver. The Yellow Lion was stationed nearby, having been brought into the lab from its hangar.

                “What?” Pidge asked, immediately returning her attention to her project. At least the mice were staring at Lance with rapt attention.

                “KEITH IS PREGNANT!” Lance yelled. The mice all held up their hands to their little mouths as if in shock. Pidge dragged her gaze over to Lance, not even bothering to mask the irritation painted over her face.

                “ _Lance_. Keith. Is. Not. Pregnant.” Pidge stated very clearly, tapping her screwdriver on the bench with every word for emphasis.

                “HE TOTALLY IS!” Lance continued to shout.

                “What about Keith?” Hunk’s voice echoed from inside the Yellow Lion. His oil-smeared head popped out of the emergency hatch on its underbelly a few seconds later.

                “HE’S PREGNANT!” Lance shrieked.

                “Oh, you’re still going on about that?” Hunk frowned, dropping down from inside the Lion.

                “Okay I know I didn’t have much to go off of earlier,” Lance mumbled quickly, “But I HAVE PROOF NOW!”

                “Alright,” Pidge said, spinning her chair to face him. “What’s your proof?”

                “So I was in the infirmary going thr—uh, looking for my inhaler,” Lance began, neatly catching himself. Pidge and Hunk exchanged glances and then looked back at him, Pidge with a judgmental eyebrow raised.

                “Uh huh?” she prodded him slowly.

                “And then I heard someone come in to the pod room, and it was Allura,” Lance continued. “And then someone else came in and it was Keith, and she was giving him these feng-shui bands to keep him from throwing up or whatever—.”

                “Feng-sh—you mean _acupressure_?” Pidge balked.

                “Yeah, whatever!” Lance ignored her and continued on. “And then she’s like: ‘oh Keith thank you for telling me, I’m so proud of you for being responsible’!” Lance quoted Allura in a little falsetto. “And Keith is like: ‘Y-yeah, but I haven’t told Shiro yet though’.” Lance shriveled down demurely, placing his hands on his cheeks as he quoted Keith.

                The blue mouse – Mazapan – swooned and fell onto the table.

                “Keith does _not_ sound like that,” Hunk frowned.

                Pidge was making a face, “Are you sure you weren’t taking things out of context?”

                “I totally wasn’t!” Lance defended himself, slamming a palm to his chest, “My step sister Rachel wore those kinds of bands like the _whole time_ she was pregnant with my niece.”

                There was a short pause.

                “…You have a niece?” Hunk spoke up.

                Lance froze in his tirade. “You didn’t know?”

                “Uh, no,” Pidge confirmed, “Other than talking about how much you miss your mommy, you’ve not really mentioned your family before.”

                “Hey, shut the heck up!” Lance blushed, reaching into his pocket for his wallet. “It’s _totally_ normal to miss your parents when you’re like a billion miles away from them in space.”

                He withdrew a translucent card from the wallet, flicking it to extend it to its full size. A transparent image flickered to life on its surface.

                “Is that your family?” Pidge asked, ignoring what Lance had said and leaning over to look at the photograph. The shot was taken from above, looking down onto a low cliff, which in turn overlooked the beach. A large group of people was gathered there, surrounding a bride and groom. Lance pinched his fingers around the face of a little girl and spread them to expand the picture.

                “There; that’s Makayla,” he said, pointing at the little blonde and smirking proudly as if he had something to do with this fact. “She’s only the cutest niece in the entire world ever.”

                “D’aww!” Hunk gushed, and then pointed at the woman holding her. “Is that your step-sister?”

                “No, that’s her and her husband’s girlfriend Natalie,” Lance explained. He zoomed out a little more, indicating two other people. “That’s my step-sister and her husband Mike.”

                “Oh my gosh, I _have_ to show you my cousins,” Hunk immediately began to dig around for his wallet as well.

                “Here he goes…” Pidge mumbled good-naturedly.

                Hunk produced a picture similarly, this one taken on a beach. Pidge and Lance craned their necks over to look at the massive gaggle of people. The mice scurried up onto Pidge’s shoulders to look as well. “This is my cousin Seth and here are his kids – that’s my grandma Molly and grandpa Joe. Over there’s Grandpa Tsuyoshi, who I’m named after, and Granny Keola and my aunt Mika and my dad and my mom and my Aunt Rainbow –.”

                “Jesus Hunk, that’s like eighty people!” Lance exclaimed. There was a hiss as the doors to the lab opened, and Shiro stepped in.

                “There you are,” he said, sounding relieved. “Coran said he heard yelling. Is everything okay?

                Lance immediately held his breath, sucking in his lips like it would help him keep The Big Secret. Pidge snorted and began to speak.

                “Yeah, just that Lance thinks – HHMPPPH!” she cried into the cup of Lance’s hand as he clapped it around her mouth, laughing manically.

                “HAHAHA PIDGE YOU JOKESTER!” Lance yelled, pulling away from Pidge and ruffling her hair with a bit more force than was absolutely necessary. “Isn’t she a hoot? Good old Pidge, always pullin’ everyone’s legs!”

                “She didn’t… make a joke?” Shiro said slowly, staring at Lance in bewilderment before the pictures that the Blue and Yellow Paladins were holding caught his attention. “Your families?”

                “Yeah, Lance was saying he has a niece, and got out a family photo to show us,” Pidge explained, smoothing her Lance-ruffled hair back into place. “Annnnd then Hunk got out _his_ and started introducing us to all eight hundred of his cousins.”

                “Hey, there were only like seventy seven people there that day!” the Yellow Paladin retorted.

                Shiro leaned over to look at Lance’s family photo and then Hunk’s. “You guys have pretty big families.”

                “Did you come from a small family, Shiro?” Pidge asked, propping her hands up on the workbench behind her and lifting herself up backwards onto it.

                Shiro nodded and reached into his pocket, withdrawing a stained piece of photo paper folded into fourths. An edge was ripped, the color faded, and the image was quartered by the fold lines, but the small family within was clearly visible.

                On the left was a woman with dark, short-cropped hair and glasses, and the right consisted of a tall woman with long white-blonde hair, who appeared to be holding the camera to take the selfie. They both had an arm secured around a little boy with missing teeth in the middle of the photo.

                “Who’s the kid?” Lance asked, pointing towards the boy between them.

                Shiro laughed, “That’s me.”

                “Dang Shiro, you were so little!” Hunk commented, crowding Lance to get a better view.

                “What, do you think I was _born_ six foot one?”

                “Who are those women?” Pidge asked, “Your aunts?”

                “No,” Shiro shook his head with a warm smile. “Those are my moms.”

                “Oh man,” said Hunk, looking between the picture and Shiro several times. “I can definitely see the resemblance now.”

                “What’re their names?” Lance asked, looking up at Shiro for a response.

                “Sayuri Shirogane and Brigid Holgersson,” he said, indicating each. “Okaa-san was an only child and her parents lived in Japan and Mom didn’t talk to her family, so it was really just the three of us.”

                “…you’re talking in past tense,” Pidge picked up quickly, softly easing into the subject. “Did something—?”

                “They died when I was fourteen,” Shiro confirmed sadly. “A drunk driver hit them and their car flipped over, so when the battery exploded—.”

                “Oh my God, Shiro I’m so sorry,” Hunk’s expression crumbled to despair as he reached out to set a hand over Shiro’s shoulder.

                “That’s awful,” Lance said softly, making to put away the family portrait. “I’m sorry man, I didn’t mean to upset you.”

                Shiro shook his head, folding up the little photograph and stashing it away in his pocket, “No, you have nothing to apologize for. It was a long time ago, and besides,” he smiled through the painful memories, managing to look sincere, if sad. “I like seeing big families, they all seem so happy together.”

                There was a short pause amongst the four before Pidge spoke up softly. “Do… you think you’d want a big family?”

                Shiro laughed, “I mean, that’s not something I’d want on my plate quite yet. I think we’re a little busy at the moment.”

‘ _Heck_ ,’ thought Lance, biting his lip.

                “But, you know what? Maybe someday,” Shiro settled with a shrug. “I know Keith’s parents died when he was little, so he didn’t have _any_ family. I don’t know what he feels about the matter, but I’m sure we’d love to have our own and—,” he froze, his content expression morphing into embarrassment when he spotted his teammate’s knowing grins. “ _Wow_ , I am _completely_ oversharing, aren’t I?”

                “Well, you guys _are_ kind of married. I mean sort of,” Pidge teased, leaping off of the counter. “I think its totally normal for you to say gross stuff like that.” She snorted, shooting the Blue Paladin a look out of the corner of her eye, “And _speaking_ of, Lance over here—.”

                She was cut off by the high-pitched wail of sirens, the lab’s lights beginning to blink red with the emergency signal.

                “Paladins! We’ve detected a rapidly-approaching Galra freighter!” Coran’s voice bellowed over the intercom. “They’ve sent out a small fleet to intercept our ship! To your lions at once!”

                “You heard him guys, suit up!” Shiro commanded, setting off for the hallway at a sprint. Pidge and Hunk immediate took action, the later turning on his heel and approaching the Yellow Lion in order to bring it to the launch bay. Lance stood stock-still in the middle of the lab, his head racing a million miles a minute.

                ‘ _Galra fleet means battle which means danger which means injured Keith which means_ —.’

                “LANCE! Get a move on!” Shiro shouted from down the hall, sounding a bit more than frustrated.

                “C-coming!” Lance choked out, dashing after Shiro and Pidge. This time he felt like _he_ was going to be the one to throw up. Would Keith really be so reckless as to put the life of his and Shiro’s unborn child in danger? Of course, Allura knew and would most likely forbid it. But who was going to pilot the Red Lion – _Coran_? Would Shiro be mad at Keith if the Red Paladin refused to fight? Would Keith have to explain then and there? Would he even have _time_?

                Of course, there was one option Lance could always take, and that was spilling the beans. But was it really his place to do that? From the conversation he’d heard between Allura and Keith, it sounded like Keith was planning on keeping the baby. But what if he wanted to change his mind? Was that part of the reason he hadn’t told Shiro yet?

                Lance felt his gut twisting into knots, his anxiety growing twofold as he rounded the corner into the debriefing room where Allura was waiting, already dressed in her flight suit.

                “ _There_ you are, Lance!” she cried, completely exasperated. “Get changed and get into your lion at once, we’ve only—.”

                “Is Keith already in his lion?!” Lance all but shouted right into Allura’s face. She took a step back, looking bewildered.

                “There’s no need to shout! And he should be arriving there shortly. Everyone’s already suiting up, I’d imagine—.”

                “YOU LET KEITH GET INTO HIS LION?! IN _HIS_ CONDITION?” Lance all but screamed, rapidly approaching hysterical.

                “Lance, I have _no_ idea what you’re talking about, but you need to get into your lion at once—,” Allura countered, clearly fed up with Lance’s shenanigans.

                “I _know_ what’s happening, Allura!” the blue paladin retorted. “I overheard you and Keith in the pod room today!”

                Allura blinked several times before going bright pink in the cheeks. “I don’t see how that is any of your business!”

                “I’m his team mate, of course it’s my business!” Lance slammed a palm to his chest, beginning to grow genuinely angry. “We all have to look out for each other, we’re a _family_!”

                “While that is a very nice sentiment, I have no idea why _any_ of this should prevent Keith from fighting!” Allura responded in a shout, looking angry. “At the very least, it’s a small inconvenience!”

                Lance balked and recoiled, as if the princess had struck him. He corrected his posture, pointing accusatorily at Allura, “Look, I have _no_ idea what you Alteans are made of, but humans are all _soft_ and _squishy_ and can _really easily be hurt or dead_ I have to be the one to go out there and protect Keith’s irresponsible ass, then _fine_!”

                He proceeded to turn on his heel and stormed through the elevator door that lead down to his hangar. He suited up in a record amount of time, leapt up onto the zip-line and dropped down onto the pod that took him to the Blue Lion. Upon entering the cockpit, Lance patted the controls and strapped himself in.

                “Okay Blue, we’re on a special mission today,” Lance reported to his lion, firing up the thrusters. “No matter what, we’ve gotta protect Keith. Hear that, buddy?”

                The Blue Lion produced a loud roar, as if in confirmation of Lance’s commands. As it took off from the castle, Lance felt the momentary empty-stomach sensation of suspension before the thrusters fully kicked in and launched him into space. He quickly caught up to the other paladins, who were hovering in formation some several hundred yards from the ship.

                “Thanks for finally joining us Lance,” Pidge’s sour voice came over transmission.

                “Calm down, everyone,” Shiro directed, his voice as collected as ever. “Allura, what’s the countdown to the fleet’s arrival?”

                “If you remain in position, about sixty ticks,” Allura’s voice replied immediately. “I’d suggest you meet them as far away from the castle as possible in order to avoid damage to our barriers. They’re still severely damaged from—.”

                “Lance, what the fuck are you doing?!” Keith’s voice interrupted the conversation. The Blue Lion had floated over in front of the Red, using the expanse of its side to block Keith from taking off.

                “Hmm, oh me?” Lance asked, attempting to sound as innocent as possible. “Oh, you know just… stretchin’ out these old lion legs before a big battle, you know how it goes!”

                “Lance, get back in position,” Shiro ordered, a rare angry edge to his voice.

                “This is no time for you to be dicking around!” Keith agreed, rising up against the Blue Lion and taking off towards the fleet.

                “ _Keith no!_ ” Lance shouted, immediately barreling past the others after Keith.

                “Wait, I didn’t say we should go!” came Shiro’s voice, the Black Lion charging after them. “Hunk, Pidge, let’s go.”

                “Right!” the other two agreed, flanking him in a v-formation. Pidge momentarily muted her output to all of her channels accept for Hunk’s.

                “What do you think we should do?” she asked, dodging a particularly large asteroid.

                “I don’t know!” Hunk responded, anxiety clear in his voice. “If we say anything, Keith is going to blow up at Lance and you _know_ how that’ll end up!”

                “Shit, you’re right,” Pidge swore; she could only imagine the resulting argument, and a battlefield was the _last_ place where anyone wanted that to happen, “Let’s just try to make up for Lance’s crap for now.”

                “Should we at least tell Shiro?” Hunk asked, readying his back cannon.

                “I don’t know how he’ll react!” Pidge responded truthfully. “Because he’ll just ask Keith and given the slim chance—.”

                “… _no way_ ,” Hunk’s delayed response crackled through the line.

                “I’m just saying that there’s an _extremely thin possibility—_.”

                “DON’T WORRY BABY SHEITH, UNCLE HUNK IS COMING TO PROTECT YOU!” The Yellow Lion’s thrusters kicked on and it plunged forward into space at speeds that it had previously been unable to produce.

                “God _fucking_ damn it!” Pidge slammed the arm rest of her seat and unmuted herself to the rest of her contacts.

                “Hunk what are you—?! Why is everyone out of formation?!” Shiro yelled.

                “I don’t know,” Pidge lied, wincing as she spotted the Galra ships advancing towards them on the screen of the cockpit. “Orders?”

                “Lance, knock it the fuck off!” Keith’s voice shouted over the line. “Hunk—what— _what_?!”

                There was a deep breath from Shiro’s line, “Just stay spread out for now, maybe they’re— _what the hell are you two doing_?!”

                The Yellow and Blue Lions had all but cornered the Red Lion against a meteorite, and were now facing outwards towards the Galra ships.

                “We aren’t gonna let anything happen to you, Keith,” Lance stated dramatically, the Blue Lion raising its tail to charge an energy beam. “I knew I could count on you Hunk.”

                “You know it!” Hunk replied, and the others could all but hear him flashing a thumbs-up. He turned towards the Red Lion, effectively pinning it in place. “Sorry buddy, but this is for your own good.”

                “ _Fucking move!_ ” Keith snarled, and the Red Lion began to charge its fire beam in its mouth.

                “Lance, Hunk – I don’t know _what_ you two are doing, but you have to get serious, RIGHT NOW!” Shiro demanded, coming up beside the trio and looming threateningly over Hunk.

                “We _are_ serious!” Lance responded desperately. “Shiro, your family’s in danger!”

                “What?!” Shiro and Keith inquired at once, but a beam of energy had already arced over the short distance between the Galra fleet and the Voltron Paladins, and hit the Black Lion square in the side, knocking it several hundred meters away.

                “ _Shiro!_ ” without preamble, the Red Lion bashed against the belly of the Yellow, startling Hunk and causing it to fly several dozen meters backwards – just enough room for the Red Lion to escape.

                “ _Keith_!” Lance shouted after him, diving as he spotted a hail of fire from the fleet.

                “It’s a small fleet, we should be able to take them out with our blasters!” Pidge shouted over the din as the specs appeared on her screen. “Shiro, orders?”

                She turned to where the Black Lion was correcting and coming around to the front line. “Right,” Shiro heaved a massive sigh. “Everyone, in formation _now!_ We’ll try to take them out without forming Voltron—.”

“LANCE I SWEAR TO GOD!” Keith hollered as Lance attempted to bar him from advancing further.

Xxxxxxxxxx

                Meanwhile Captain Klokwen of the Galra Intergalactic Trading Company was observing the absolute shitshow unfolding between his ship and the castle of Lions, a perplexed expression on his face.

                “Sir,” a transmission came in from the commander of the fleet. “Are… are you sure that this is the right group of space lions? The paladins that strike loathsome fear and deep hatred into the hearts of all Galra? The same who destroyed the Balmeran colony in a day?”

                “I… don’t think there are any others?” Klokwen responded slowly. “I mean, either that or General Pendelwar stationed on the Balmera was taking a nap that day.”

                “Not surprising,” Lieutenant Yeaver mumbled from behind Klokwen, sending a ripple of laughter across the bridge.

                “In any case,” Klokwen continued, clearing his throat. “Fire at will!”

Xxxxxxxxxxx

                “Allura, something’s wrong with Lance and Hunk!” Shiro shouted into his receiver, dodging the onslaught of light rays and cannon blasts. “We need to retreat, can you open a wormhole for us?”

                “I can, but you’ll need to return to the castle’s position as quickly as possible!” Allura instructed.

                “We’re retreating, we’ll figure this mess out when we get back!” Shiro shouted the command over the line. “Lance, Hunk, you have some _serious_ explaining to do.”

                “I’ll say,” Keith grit in bitterly.

                At this point, Lance had chewed both of his lips raw. Even though they had begun the retreat, the fleet was still advancing, and it didn’t look like there was going to be a ceasefire anytime soon. Although he was still trailing the Red Lion, thus allowing the Blue Lion to take the majority of the hits sent its way, Lance saw an energy beam glance off of Red’s back. Keith grunted, the Red Lion jolting and letting out a pained roar before correcting.

                At that moment, Lance immediately palmed all of his communications mute – save for Shiro’s – and proceeded to yell at the top of his lungs: “SHIRO, KEITH IS _PREGNANT_!”

                There was a split-second of radio silence. The Black Lion actually physically descended a small amount before Shiro shouted “KEITH!” with more desperation than Lance had ever heard from someone before. The Black Lion cut across in front of their formation in a blur of black, white, and red and clamped its massive jaws around the neck of the much smaller Red Lion. Red struggled in confusion for a moment before Keith apparently recognized Shiro and went limp in its grasp.

                The sprint to the wormhole was spent in dead silence. No transmissions came through, presumably because the paladins were putting everything into their forward surge. Seconds later, Lance felt the familiar feeling of being pressed into his seat as the lions shot forward through the wormhole and were deposited into the new sector of space. Lance turned around and fired a beam of ice into the closing portal, disabling the only Galra ship that had managed to come close to sneaking through before the wormhole spiraled closed.

                “Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit,” Lance repeated to himself, immediately heading to his hangar. He physically hurled his body into the pod that took him up to the zip-line tunnel, taking the stairs that formed below the zip-line two at a time.

                Just as he came into the debriefing room, nearly everyone else seemed to enter all at once, each shouting in confusion.

                “HUNK, LANCE!” Allura snarled, approaching the addressed Paladins in a menacing stomp. “What is the _meaning_ of this?! You put the entire operation into jeopardy—.”

                “You guys are acting insane!” Pidge cut in. “Just because of a th—.”

                “In my day, the both of you would be ejected into space immediately for such insubordination!” Coran shouted, his moustache prickling up in rage.

                The doors to the Red Paladins hangar slid open and Keith stepped through, not even hesitating to pull his right hand back into a punch as he headed towards Lance. His face was bright red in rage, mouth curled into a feline snarl.

                “Lance, _you piece of_ —.”

                Keith was interrupted as Shiro all but tripped through the doors to the Black Paladin’s hanger and caught his boyfriend by the shoulders.

                “Keith, are you hurt?!” he turned the Red Paladin towards him checking him for wounds. “What were you _thinking_?! You should have told me the second – Keith I’m so sorry I’m—.”

                And without further preamble, Shiro proceeded to drop to one knee. Everyone took a step back, eyes wide. Keith looked the most surprised of all, his blush creeping all the way up his neck and into his cheeks. He looked even more embarrassed than the time that he and Shiro had gotten caught necking in a hot spring.

                “Keith will you—?”

                “KEITH!” Pidge shouted, immediately interrupting the impromptu proposal. “Lance thinks you’re _pregnant_!”

                The entire room went silent.

                Coran fainted.

                “Pr,” Keith began, the color draining from his face. “Preg— _what_?”

                “You mean…” Shiro said slowly, blinking as Keith’s words registered in his brain. “You’re… not?”

                “ _No_! Of _course_ not – _what_ —what the fuck?!” Keith pulled away from Shiro, ripping off his helmet and all but dropping it to the floor. “How. _How_ even?”

                “I thought—,” Lance squeaked out. “I – alien magic?”

                “Alien magic,” Keith repeated emotionlessly, staring at Lance completely deadpan.

                “I – you – were –,” Lance waved his hands, hoping that the gesticulations would help to convey his meaning. “You’ve been throwing up _every_ morning!”

                “Yeah,” Keith responded with a huff. “Because I started a _new medication that makes me sick._ ”

                Silence reigned again over the little party. No one had bothered to attempt to wake Coran.

                “Ooooooh,” said Hunk, very softly.

                “But Allura – I heard you guys talking – and she – she was proud of you for being responsible and—,” Lance choked out in fragmented sentences.

                “For _not trying to deal with the issue myself and asking for medicine!_ ” Keith hissed, actually punching Lance in the arm this time. Even through the armor, it still stung a little.

                “So that’s why Allura didn’t –,” Lance turned to point to Allura, who had buried her face in her hands and was emitting a long, drawn-out groan. “Oh. Oh shit.”

                Shiro was still kneeling on one leg, forehead pressed to his knee. “Lance,” he said, tone disturbingly even. “Go start running laps.”

                “But _Shiro_ —!” Lance whined, directing his pointed finger at Keith.

                “ _Now,_ Lance,” Shiro said, his voice broking no argument.

                “But what about Hunk, he was—.”

                “Both of you: laps, _now_!” Shiro repeated in his best drill-instructor voice, finally rising up to stand. The Yellow and Blue Paladins squeaked and darted off in the direction of the training room. Shiro turned to Pidge, who was watching them go and shaking her head slowly.

                “Did you know about this?” Shiro asked sternly, crossing his arms across his chest.

                “Regrettably,” Pidge groaned. Shiro sighed.

                “You were literally the only person who listened today,” he told her, drawing a hand through his bangs. “Just – go take a shower and we’ll figure this mess out later.”

                “Yessir,” Pidge responded with a little salute. As she left the briefing room, she stepped over Coran, who was just coming to. He stared up at Allura, who was propped up against the wall with her fingertips pressed to her forehead, expression completely manic.

                “Oh Princess,” the redhead said, climbing to his feet. “I just had strangest dream. Why, our paladins were expecting a wee child!”

                Allura turned away, releasing stressed laughter, and promptly left the room. Coran glanced between her and the two remaining Paladins before jogging after his princess and calling after her, the doors sliding shut behind him.

                “Oh my god,” Keith said, immediately throwing himself up against the wall to hang his head in resignation. “That was the biggest clusterfuck I’ve ever had the misfortune of being subjected to.”

                “I’ll say,” Shiro responded, taking a deep breath of relief. Keith glanced over to him, cheeks still dusted with pink.

                “I can’t believe you started to propose, we’re already _married_ , you know.”

                “ _Fake_ married,” Shiro corrected, looking just as embarrassed. “I’m so sorry, that must have been—.”

                “You know what? I don’t even care,” Keith held his hands up over his head, dispelling the issue. “After that wedding thing, I think I’m completely numb to embarrassment by now.”

                “I’m sorry for grabbing you on the field like that,” Shiro apologized softly.

                “No—don’t be, you thought,” Keith sighed. By the look on his face, he had been lying about the ‘no longer able to get embarrassed thing’. “It was sweet.”

                Shiro laughed, removing his helmet so that he could gently kiss Keith. As the pulled away, he frowned.

                “If it’s okay of me to ask,” he began. “Would you mind telling me what new medicine you started taking?”

                Keith stared Shiro straight in the eyes and said: “Birth control.”

**Author's Note:**

> That was an eight thousand word excuse for that punchline. I didn't want to give away the ending by posting the alternative title in the beginning notes, but the other name for this fanfiction was "I Can't Believe Its Not Mpreg". Also, yes, some birth controls will give you morning sickness when you first start them; this is a fun thing I experienced first hand -- thank God for Seabands.
> 
> Also, I named the mice! Pink is konpeito (sugar stars), yellow is Mochi (rice cake), green is Gumdrop, and blue is Mazapan (peanut butter powder candy).
> 
> And for the record, Shiro is the bed hog.


End file.
